Metro, Britain’s first urban national newspaper, just reported that Japan has sent one of its astronauts to the space station to test some new, state-or-the-art, smell proof underwear.

 

The underwear is fire-resistant. And, because it is made from antibacterial polymers, it won’t smell after extended use. The goal is 7-days without any smell.

 

Europeans tend to view such matters with a modicum of intellectual curiosity. Most Americans, on the other hand, probably wouldn’t even take the time to read about this stuff. This isn’t a bad thing; it’s just that such news is not high on our list of concerns.

 

Apparently, however, SOME Americans have read it and have emailed me (nineteen of them, so far) voicing outrage over “NASA’s” blatant waste of taxpayer dollars at a time of such economic devastation.

 

I’m convinced, from the tone of the emails, that these people are a core component of what average, 3-digit IQers classify as the intellectually incurious (morons).

 

Don’t misunderstand me. Such people don’t warrant explanations. They wouldn’t understand them, anyway.

 

In a recent Harris poll of American adults, only 53% knew that it takes a year for the Earth to revolve around the sun; only 59% of them knew that humans and dinosaurs did NOT live at the same time; and only 47% knew that about 70% of Earth’s surface consists of water.

 

I’m betting that none of the above emailers was included in the polls. From the content of the emails, most of them would not have understood the questions.

 

On the other hand, some members of our American media would report this stuff as “news” and attempt to “stimulate” debate. The next thing we know, the Republicans are blaming Obama, and the Democrats are blaming Bush.

 

Admittedly, the bulk of legitimate scientists—me, too—do a poor job of explaining what they do and why. The problem compounds when we consider the fact that, in America, the average person is not into science at all.

 

Many Americans view scientists as always asking for and often receiving embarrassingly large sums of money to answer myriad questions that normal, well-adjusted people would never ask, or even care about, in the first place.

 

But, whether born of sincerity or simply the result of a speeding trip down facetious alley, this report has prompted many normal, well-adjusted people to ask; “What in the hell is so critical about fire-resistant and smell proof underwear for space shuttle inhabitants?”

 

My parents spent boatloads of money on tuition, books, and lab fees over the first twenty-three years of my life. And, I’ve spent a couple more boatloads since then.

 

Because of this, I’ve reached a point of exalted, finely tuned scientific acuity that makes it possible for me to explain the nuances of fireproofing and smell proofing space underwear (briefs, boxers, and panties).

 

First off, this is NOT a NASA project. Japanese funds (private and possibly public) are paying for it. NASA is simply providing the transportation aboard a shuttle that was going there for other things ANYWAY.

 

For the record, a NASA cardinal rule has ALWAYS been, NO dangerous material allowed on the shuttle flight deck, inside the living area, or in the work areas.

 

This has ALWAYS included a mandate that ALL in-shuttle clothing—including underwear—be fire resistant. The reasons for this should be obvious to everyone with IQs of 90 and above.

 

Astronauts are not a very worrisome lot. However, one thing that sends terror chills throughout every fiber of their bodies is the thought of an in-orbit fire. There is nowhere for the astronauts to go: no way for any of them to leave the building.

 

Even so, fire burns differently aboard an orbiting space shuttle than it does on Earth.

 

On Earth, convection causes warm air to rise. As it does, fire sucks more air into the flames and continues burning as long as sufficient fuel keeps the process going.

 

In space, nothing can be lighter than anything else. Hot air does not rise. No convection! A fire, in the absence of air currents to feed it, is just a fireball that quickly poofs out.

 

However, astronauts have grown fond of that silly-ass habit of breathing. They like to keep doing it, even inside a space shuttle orbiting a few hundred miles above Earth.

 

So, to this end, NASA decided to keep the shuttle’s internal atmosphere the same as Earth’s: about 80% nitrogen and 20% oxygen at a sea level pressure of 14.7 pounds per square inch.

 

However, electrical fans must keep the air flowing inside the shuttle. If a fire were to break out, this flowing air would serve to keep the fireball burning and expanding in circumference. So, it’s critical to minimize the amount of flammable stuff.

 

But, the goals of minimizing flammable material inside the shuttle and smell proofing its inhabitants’ underwear are mutually exclusive. The former is an immutable safety issue; the latter is a possible cost reduction issue.

 

Orbiting astronauts sweat… a LOT. In the interests of general comfort, they like to change their clothes, especially their underwear. If possible, they like to do it every three days.

 

A 7-day or longer underwear change cycle will not only be more comfy for the astronauts, it will reduce launch expenses for future missions. Here’s how.

 

Every excess pound of weight added to a shuttle requires an additional 500-pounds of fuel for lift-off. The minimum size shuttle crew requires 5-people: a shuttle commander, a pilot, and 3-mission specialists.

 

And, on top of these, some missions carry one or two payload specialists, non-career astronauts who conduct special experiments. The late Christa McAuliffe, so far, is the most notable.

 

Let’s stick with five crew members on a 14-day mission. At three days per underwear change, each crew member would need 5-changes of underwear. With 5-crew members, that would amount to 25-pairs of underwear, with storage, a little more than 3-pounds of bulk weight.

 

With a 7-day change cycle, each crew member will need only 2-changes. At 5-crew members, it comes to 10-pairs of underwear, a bulk weight reduction of close to 2-pounds: about 1,000 pounds of fuel!

 

See where I’m going with this? NASA mandated flame resistant underwear ages ago no matter the cost. Smell proof underwear, on the other hand, will save tons of money in reduced fuel and processing costs.

 

Understand that I do not attempt to speak for female astronauts or, for that matter, women in general. But, as a man, I do speak for male astronauts and men in general.

 

We DO NOT like the thought of “big Jim and the twins” getting burned during a fire. But, contrary to what you may have heard, we DO favor anything that prevents our underwear from smelling as long as WE don’t have to change them too often or wash them… EVER!

 

So, as the late Paul Harvey always said; “Now you know the REST of the story.”

 

Joe Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. You may comment on his column by clicking here.